The image in my mind is of a giant circle, a wheel, and at the center is the cafe. A place of connection, a place of meeting, a place of contact, the holding of hands by those who come together in this place to overcome the forces of the world outside. Someone recently asked my to follow my instincts concerning a big decision. It was a sweeping statement about who she thought I was, and who she thought others around me were. In that moment, nothing more needed to be said ever, the conversation was over from that moment on. I haven't yet and may never learn to see these things while they're happening, else I should have gotten up out of my seat and walked out right then. She had decided already who I was based on whom I was with. I felt deeply unhappy about what I felt was a misinterpretation of my identity but as it is I recognize that her perception of me was a design I could do little to influence. Something from the edge of the wheel spinning outside that moment in the cafe.
What fascinates me about this idea of "owning", "running" a cafe, not that you can ever really own anything, is that looking at the interactions in my life, and the events that make up my own narrative, I long for the of holding hands, in the sense, for real intimacy, for real understanding. The cafe is a place where that moment of contact becomes possible. It may also be a substitute or metaphor for the intimacy I want to find but can't in any meaningful sense. To design a cafe would be as though inviting others to my own conversation about what the world is about. Of course money constraints prevent me from saying exactly what I would want to say. The cafe in Berkeley, local123cafe, intimated the owners world view perfectly. Locally sourcing goods to save energy and provide local jobs, conserving energy through renewable energy sources, providing a venue for local artist to speak to the community, good food, good drinks. Epicurean at its core. This brings me to why I have failed so far. Even though I want environmental protection and social justice, these seem to be at odds with my understanding of how the world and "business" works. The creeping social Darwinism that permeates modern life works on me psychologically and undermines my own hopes and thoughts about what's possible. People conduct "business" in a way that has little to do with social harmony let alone justice. I'm not sure the owners of local123cafe see the contradiction between the act of operating a business and the model of the world that is environmentally conscientious and socially just. Most people like to dismiss this problem by saying, "that's just how it is." The difference between paying a barista 10 per hour and 12 per hour in San Francisco is moot because in the end they still can't afford a reasonable life. The cafe owners are trying to do good things but to answer a deeper thread, the cafe does not really overcome the forces outside its door. As a business, it reinforces them. It makes me a bit sad to think about it. My instincts are pretty useless with these types of problems. They're good at telling me how I feel, but that's about it. I suppose one could argue that it's a two way street and that what's going on inside that cafe can influence the outside. That would be a nice thing to hope....
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